“What Do I Actually Feel?” Getting to Know Yourself Has a Lot to Do With Understanding Your Feelings and Emotions

You are the type of person who can instantly tell when someone in the room is upset. You know what your manager needs before they ask. You can sense a shift in a friend’s mood from a single message.

But when someone asks what you want, what you need, or how you actually feel about something, you may find yourself stuck. Blank. Unsure. Answering with what seems reasonable rather than what is true.

If that sounds familiar, it may have less to do with who you are, and more to do with what you were given the chance to learn.

Why emotions matter for knowing who you are

When we are not allowed or supported to understand, express and navigate our emotions, especially the overwhelming ones, we can grow up disconnected from some of the very experiences that help us discover who we are.

Emotions are fundamental to being human. They play an important role in how we develop our sense of self, understand our needs, recognise our boundaries, form relationships and make sense of the world around us.

Think about how much of knowing yourself involves recognising what you feel:

• What brings you joy
• What frightens you
• What hurts
• What feels safe
• What matters to you
• What you need

How we learn to understand our emotions

We are not born knowing how to understand and regulate our emotional experiences. Much of this learning happens through our early relationships, through repeated experiences of having our emotions noticed, understood, validated and soothed.

When our emotions are consistently met with shame, ridicule, punishment or dismissal, we can learn that certain parts of our emotional experience are unacceptable or unsafe to express. This is childhood emotional neglect.

And sometimes, it’s so hard to pinpoint experiences of childhood emotional neglect. Nobody necessarily shamed or punished us, but there was little emotional attunement. Nobody was consistently curious about what we felt, helped us make sense of our experiences, or supported us through difficult emotions.

Knowing others better than you know yourself

Over time, we may become more skilled at recognising what other people feel, need or expect from us than at recognising our own emotional experiences.

It is little wonder that some people reach adulthood struggling to answer questions that seem so simple:

• What do I want?
• What do I need?
• What do I actually feel about this?
• What matters to me?

This is not a personal failing. It may reflect how little room you were given to discover yourself through your own emotional experiences.

What is emotional literacy?

Emotional literacy is the ability to recognise, name and understand our emotions, and to begin making sense of what they are telling us. It is one important part of developing a relationship with our emotions, which is foundational to healing these early experiences.

Even learning the names of different emotions, and beginning to recognise when you experience them, can be meaningful.

It might seem such a small thing to say, “I feel sad.” But it can be the beginning of knowing yourself.

How to start identifying your emotions

Here are some gentle ways to begin. Go slowly, and stop if it feels like too much.

Start with a comfortable emotion

You do not have to begin with painful feelings. Start with something that feels easier, such as excitement, curiosity or joy.

• What does excitement feel like for you?
• Where do you notice it in your body?
• How do you recognise it, in yourself and in your behaviour?

When you notice a feeling, try exploring it

• Name it, as simply as you can: “I feel sad.”
• Notice how it shows up in your body: heavy, tight, tearful, tired?
• Notice what comes with it: thoughts, memories, urges?
• Ask gently: what might I need right now?

A starting list of feeling words

If you struggle to find words for what you feel, it can help to have some to choose from:

• Happy: content, joyful, excited, relieved, hopeful, grateful
• Calm: safe, settled, peaceful, at ease
• Curious: interested, intrigued, inspired
• Sad: low, disappointed, lonely, hurt, grieving
• Afraid: anxious, nervous, worried, scared, panicky
• Angry: frustrated, irritated, resentful, hurt, overwhelmed
• Ashamed: embarrassed, exposed, inadequate, humiliated
• Shut down: numb, flat, empty, disconnected, blank

There are no right or wrong answers, and it is common to feel more than one thing at once.

Go gently: this takes time

There is a great deal more to healing these early wounds, and what helps will differ from person to person. For some, even noticing emotions can feel unfamiliar or overwhelming, so gentleness and pacing matter.

If knowing yourself has been difficult, I invite you to consider how much opportunity you were given to discover yourself through your emotional experiences. The answer may help you meet yourself with more understanding and less judgement.

We cannot underestimate the importance of being emotionally known, understood and supported as we grow.

And it is never too late to begin offering yourself, and receiving from others, that understanding now.

Common questions

What is emotional literacy?

Emotional literacy is the ability to recognise, name and understand your emotions, and to make sense of what they tell you about your needs, boundaries and values.

Why don’t I know what I feel?

If your emotions were dismissed, shamed or simply not noticed as a child, you may not have had the chance to learn how to recognise them. Many people become more attuned to others’ feelings than their own as a way of staying safe or connected.

Why don’t I know what I want or need?

Knowing what we want and need is closely linked to recognising our emotions. If you grew up focusing on others’ needs, your own may feel unclear. This can change as you develop a closer relationship with your feelings.

How can I get better at identifying my emotions?

Start small. Learn some feeling words, check in with your body, begin with comfortable emotions, and be curious rather than critical. Therapy can also help, especially if noticing emotions feels overwhelming.

If you are struggling

If you notice persistent low mood, emptiness, anxiety, or that day-to-day life is becoming much harder to manage, please speak to your GP.

If you are in crisis or feel unsafe, call 999 or go to A&E, call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option, or call Samaritans on 116 123 at any time.

Working with me

I am a consultant counselling psychologist specialising in trauma recovery. I help people gradually develop a relationship with their emotions, and through that, a clearer sense of who they are and what they need. If you would like support, you are welcome to book a free telephone consultation.

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Related reading: Raised, Provided For, but Never Truly Known · When You Learnt to Disconnect Instead of Soothe · Who Was There When You Were Upset?