Just Because You Stopped Crying Doesn’t Mean You Felt Soothed or Okay: Emotional Numbness and Dissociation in Childhood

Something upsetting happens, and you feel… nothing. Someone raises their voice, and your mind goes blank. A partner asks how you feel, and you genuinely do not know. Days pass on autopilot, as if you are watching your life rather than living it.

And then, every so often, everything you have not felt arrives at once.

If this sounds familiar, you may have been told, or told yourself, that you are cold, detached or emotionally unavailable. But there may be a very different story underneath.

Disconnecting is not the same as soothing

We do not automatically learn to soothe ourselves simply because we were repeatedly left alone to deal with overwhelming emotions as children.

Sometimes, what we learn instead is how to disconnect from them.

We develop the capacity for emotional regulation through many experiences, including repeated moments of safe co-regulation: having someone who notices our distress, helps us make sense of what is happening, and supports us through feelings that are too overwhelming to manage alone.

When these experiences are consistently unavailable, particularly in childhood, we have to find other ways of coping. For some people, dissociation becomes one of those ways.

What is dissociation?

Dissociation can involve a disconnection from our emotions, our bodily sensations, our memories, or our sense of being fully present. It exists along a spectrum, from everyday experiences like zoning out, to more significant disconnection, and it can show up in many different ways.

When dissociation develops as a response to overwhelming experiences, it is not something we consciously decide to do. It can become an automatic, protective response: the mind’s way of creating distance from what feels too much.

“Nobody hurt me, so why do I feel like this?”

This is something I often explore with people who grew up in families where their physical needs were met but their emotional experiences were largely overlooked.

Nobody necessarily hurt them in ways they recognise as traumatic. Yet when they were frightened, distressed, overwhelmed or hurting, there was nobody consistently available to help them understand and navigate those experiences.

Over time, disconnecting can become so familiar that we do not even recognise it as disconnection. It simply feels like who we are.

Signs of emotional numbness and dissociation

It might look like:

• Feeling numb when something upsetting happens
• Going blank during conflict or difficult conversations
• Struggling to recognise or name what you are feeling
• Experiencing life on autopilot
• Feeling disconnected from your body or physical sensations
• Emotions only becoming noticeable once they feel overwhelming
• Being described by others as distant, detached or hard to reach
• Finding it hard to express feelings, even when you want to

For some, emotions stay out of reach until they have built up to the point of feeling unmanageable, which can make them feel even more frightening and confirm the need to stay disconnected.

The shame of being “emotionally unavailable”

Because these patterns are often automatic, people can spend years shaming themselves for being emotionally unavailable, detached or unable to express what they feel, without ever understanding how those responses developed.

Why can’t I just feel things like everyone else? Why do I shut down when it matters most? What’s wrong with me?

These responses are not character flaws. They may have developed at a time when you had very few other ways of managing overwhelming experiences.

Healing: building a safer relationship with your emotions

There is a great deal involved in healing from these experiences, and different approaches work for different people. But one important part can involve gradually learning to recognise, understand and build a safer relationship with your emotions, at a pace that feels manageable.

Sometimes, before we can learn to soothe what we feel, we first need support to recognise what we are feeling in the first place.

Gentle ways to begin noticing

• Pause once or twice a day and ask: what am I noticing in my body right now?
• Start with simple words: tense, heavy, tight, restless, flat, warm, calm.
• Notice small signals early, before they build: a clenched jaw, shallow breathing, wanting to leave the room.
• If you go blank, try gently orienting to the room: name a few things you can see, hear or touch.
• Be curious rather than critical. “I don’t know what I feel” is an honest and valid answer.

These are small, gentle starting points rather than a cure. Reconnecting with emotions you have long kept at a distance can sometimes feel uncomfortable or overwhelming, so go slowly. This work is often best done with support.

If this has been your experience, I hope you can begin to understand these patterns with compassion rather than shame. Your mind found a way to protect you when there was no one there to help. Now, you can begin to find other ways, with care and support.

Common questions

Why do I feel numb when something upsetting happens?

Feeling numb can be a protective response that developed when emotions felt too overwhelming to manage alone. Over time, the mind may automatically create distance from distress, even when you would like to feel it.

Is dissociation a trauma response?

Dissociation often develops in response to overwhelming experiences, including trauma and childhood emotional neglect. It can also have other causes, and it exists on a spectrum, so it is worth exploring with a professional if it affects your life.

Why do I go blank during conflict?

Conflict can activate old feelings of threat. If disconnecting once protected you from overwhelming emotions, your system may still shut down automatically when things feel tense.

Can you learn to feel your emotions again?

Yes. With patience and support, many people gradually develop a safer relationship with their emotions, learning first to notice them, then to understand and soothe them.

If you are struggling

If you often lose track of time, have gaps in your memory, feel unreal or detached for long periods, or notice persistent low mood or anxiety, please speak to your GP. These experiences deserve proper assessment and support.

If you are in crisis or feel unsafe, call 999 or go to A&E, call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option, or call Samaritans on 116 123 at any time.

Working with me

I am a counselling psychologist specialising in trauma recovery. I work with many people who learnt to disconnect in order to cope, helping them gradually build a safer relationship with their emotions, at a pace that feels manageable. If you would like support, you are welcome to book a free telephone consultation.

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Related reading: Who Was There When You Were Upset? · Raised, Provided For, but Never Truly Known · “I Just Want to Be Happy”