Who Did You Go To When You Were Upset? Childhood Emotional Neglect and Why Self-Soothing Feels So Hard

Maybe you have told yourself your childhood was fine.

You were fed. You went to school. Nobody hurt you. You may even feel guilty for questioning it, because you know others had it much worse.

And yet, when emotions run high, something happens that you cannot quite explain. You shut down. You go numb. You feel flooded and cannot calm yourself. Or you find yourself analysing your feelings from a distance, without ever really feeling them. And quietly, you wonder: why can’t I just cope like everyone else?

If that sounds familiar, I want to share a question that might help you understand yourself differently.

The question many people cannot answer

One of the questions I often ask people when exploring their childhood is:

“When you were upset, frightened, overwhelmed or distressed as a child, who was there for you? Who helped you feel safe and make sense of what you were feeling?”

You would be surprised how many people struggle to answer it, including many who first tell me that nothing particularly bad happened in their childhood.

Disconnecting is not the same as self-soothing

We do not suddenly learn to self-soothe by being repeatedly left alone with overwhelming emotions, especially the big ones that a child has very little capacity to understand or regulate.

For some children, repeated experiences of overwhelming distress without enough emotional support can lead to shutting down, emotional numbing, dissociation or other ways of disconnecting from what feels unbearable. And this distinction is incredibly important:

A child who has learnt to disconnect from their distress has not necessarily learnt how to soothe it.

How children learn to self-soothe: the role of co-regulation

The capacity to self-soothe develops, in significant part, through repeated experiences of safe co-regulation.

Repeated.

Through being held, comforted, reassured, understood and supported by caregivers who help us make sense of our emotional experiences. Over time, these experiences build our capacity to recognise, tolerate and regulate emotions on our own. We gradually take in some of the care and calm we have repeatedly experienced in relationships.

Think about a child who is frightened, crying or overwhelmed. They do not yet have the emotional understanding, language, nervous system maturity or thinking skills of an adult. They need someone who can recognise their distress, respond, comfort them and help them gradually return to a more manageable state. And they need this often enough to begin developing those capacities for themselves.

What happens when nobody comes?

But what happens when nobody comes? Or when the adults around a child are emotionally unavailable, dismissive, frightening, overwhelmed themselves, or simply unable to recognise what the child needs?

What happens when crying is met with irritation, sadness with silence, fear with ridicule, or distress with instructions to stop being dramatic?

The child still has to find some way of getting through.

Some children learn to suppress their emotions. Others become highly watchful of how they express themselves, withdraw, dissociate, become overly compliant, or develop an extraordinary ability to appear fine while feeling deeply distressed. These are adaptations to environments where emotional expression was unsupported or unsafe.

And because some of these children seem quiet, independent, mature or easy to manage, the adults around them may never recognise how much they are struggling.

What is childhood emotional neglect?

Childhood emotional neglect is not always about what happened. Often, it is about what repeatedly did not happen.

A child can grow up with food, clothes, a beautiful home, educational opportunities and parents who genuinely believe they provided everything necessary, and still experience a profound absence of emotional connection, responsiveness and co-regulation.

The comfort that never came. The distress nobody noticed. The feelings nobody helped them understand. The protection or reassurance they needed but did not consistently receive.

“But my childhood was fine”

Because there may have been no obvious catastrophic event, many adults struggle to recognise these experiences as significant. They tell themselves their childhood was fine. They were fed. They went to school. Nobody physically harmed them.

Yet when asked who helped them through fear, sadness, loneliness or overwhelming emotions, they cannot name anyone who was consistently emotionally available. That absence can matter enormously to a developing child.

Signs of childhood emotional neglect in adulthood

In adulthood, people who grew up without enough co-regulation may notice:

• Chronic anxiety, or feeling overwhelmed by emotions they cannot easily understand
• Shutting down, going blank or feeling numb when things get difficult
• Dissociation, or feeling disconnected from themselves or their surroundings
• Difficulty recognising what they feel or what they need
• Being very good at analysing feelings intellectually, while staying disconnected from experiencing them
• Intense discomfort with difficult emotions, and an urge to escape, suppress or distract from them
• Appearing calm and capable on the outside while struggling on the inside
• Finding it hard to ask for comfort or accept it when it is offered
• A harsh inner voice when they struggle to cope

When we shame ourselves for what we were never taught

Tragically, many people begin to shame themselves for these difficulties:

Why can’t I regulate myself? Why do I shut down? Why do I feel so overwhelmed? Why can’t I just calm down like everyone else?

Without recognising that the very capacities they are judging themselves for were supposed to develop through experiences of care, attunement and connection that may have been largely absent.

One of the saddest consequences of childhood emotional neglect is how many people grow up believing they are fundamentally inadequate because they struggle with capacities they were never supported to develop. And then they spend years trying to fix themselves through criticism, pressure and shame.

You can still learn to self-soothe

None of this means that people who lacked consistent co-regulation in childhood are permanently unable to soothe themselves. These capacities can continue to develop throughout adulthood, often through supportive relationships, therapy, greater emotional awareness, compassionate practice and repeated experiences of safety.

Healing often begins with understanding the experiences behind these struggles, and learning to offer ourselves, and receive from others, the patience, care and support that were once missing. There is also room to grieve what you needed and did not receive.

It is also worth saying that not every experience of emotional numbing or dissociation comes from childhood neglect. Human development is complex, and different experiences can lead to similar difficulties.

If you recognise yourself in this

I hope you can begin to approach these patterns with more compassion. You were a child navigating emotions that could feel enormous, often without the developmental resources or support you needed. The ways you learnt to cope deserve understanding, even if they now cause difficulties in your adult life.

If you were repeatedly left alone with overwhelming emotions as a child, you may have learnt to endure, suppress or disconnect from distress long before you had the chance to learn how to soothe it. There is a difference, and understanding that difference can change how you relate to yourself.

You deserved someone who could help you feel safe when your feelings were too big to manage alone. And you still deserve care, connection and support as you develop those capacities today.

Common questions

What is childhood emotional neglect?

Childhood emotional neglect happens when a child’s emotional needs, such as comfort, attunement and help understanding their feelings, are not consistently met. It is often about what did not happen, rather than a single harmful event, which is why it can be hard to recognise.

What is co-regulation?

Co-regulation is the process of calming and making sense of emotions with the help of another person. For children, it happens through being comforted, reassured and understood by caregivers. Repeated co-regulation is how we gradually learn to regulate emotions on our own.

Why can’t I self-soothe?

If you did not consistently experience comfort and co-regulation as a child, you may have learnt to suppress, endure or disconnect from distress instead of soothing it. This is not a personal failing. It reflects what you were and were not given the chance to learn.

Can adults learn emotional regulation?

Yes. The capacity to self-soothe can continue to develop throughout life, through safe relationships, therapy, emotional awareness and repeated experiences of feeling safe and supported.

Is shutting down a trauma response?

Shutting down, going numb or dissociating can be a way the nervous system protects us from emotions that feel unbearable, and it is common after trauma or emotional neglect. It can also have other causes, so it is worth exploring with a professional if it affects your life.

If you are struggling

If you notice persistent low mood, ongoing anxiety, frequent dissociation, or that day-to-day life is becoming much harder to manage, please speak to your GP.

If you are in crisis or feel unsafe, call 999 or go to A&E, call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option, or call Samaritans on 116 123 at any time.

Working with me

I am a consultant counselling psychologist specialising in trauma recovery. Much of my work involves helping people understand what they did not receive, and develop, at their own pace, the capacity to feel safe with their emotions. If you would like support, you are welcome to book a free telephone consultation.

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Related reading: When Survival Becomes a Way of Life · When Perfectionism Stops You Starting · When Anxiety Is Really About Shame